It’s difficult and exhausting but I’m capable and resilient.
I’m no more depleted than I am filled up.
We are here and now and life’s just spinning around us.
Staying Alive
Billy and His Sister
I put her in her bassinet and whispered to Billy as I walked to the bathroom “Keep an eye on your sister.”
I showered quick and came back to my room where Billy had moved, laying head down looking through the mesh of her bassinet as she dreamt.
I don’t love him less now that I have a baby. I have less patience with his bull shit for sure and I haven’t been cradling him in my arms - but his energy is very much still needed. He calms me when I’m overwhelmed or frustrated.
Livestock dog finally has a baby sister to protect.
He’s the best puppy man.
Mabel and Pops
Mabel and Mum
One Month Mabel
The Very Beginning.
Since the start of my pregnancy, I found myself eagerly anticipating each new phase. Pass 7 weeks, Pass the 12 week “safe zone”, pass 20 weeks where I lost my previous pregnancy, into the 3rd trimester (despite being told the 2nd is the best) - how could I believe that when obviously the 3rd is closer to the end, closer to survival- I spent a lot of time pointing to a day on the calendar daydreaming about the weeks ahead and imagining what I would feel like then.
530 am the morning of her birth I laid uncomfortably in the bath yelling and growning, gurgling like a buck during the rut (as Thomas described). I finally felt like I was able to communicate to my baby, "I am ready for you to come now."
Labor, both physically and mentally, prepares you for anything. The pain of sleep deprivation cannot compare to the 36 hours of contractions, semi trucks running over your torso. I longed to escape my own body, just as my baby needed to move out to her next world. Screams from me lead to screams from her.
And then,
silence.
A feeling of lightness and peace flooded the room. We were all in awe, high on dopamine, weightless and stunned.
Holding my first baby for the first time is an experience impossible to imagine. Wet and warm, a piece of my soul. I felt her heart beat her chest expand and contract on my skin before even looking at her. Eyes wide open.
Simply breathtaking.
We have a daughter.
Mabel Rain, my spirit baby who has been dancing around me all my life, is now here with us on Earth. It's absolutely incredible and incomparable.
As she entered the physical world, I too pushed through to a new world.
Now, three weeks in, we are learning how to navigate this upside down reality. There are moments of crying from hunger and exhaustion, as we fuel ourselves and rest our bodies.
And again I find myself daydreaming about the upcoming phases and longing for sleep. But I know that these fleeting moments are precious, and being present in them is the most important thing.
Waiting for you.
I woke up feeling utterly undecided about the day ahead. I was struggling to make even the tiniest decisions, so I spent a whole hour in the bath, indulging in a trip down memory lane through my own Instagram posts. I couldn't help but feel a pang of envy for my own body and the incredible adventures I've experienced.
As the due date inches closer, I'm slowly losing my mind. Despite my best efforts to plan for a later arrival, the anticipation of welcoming my first child and undergoing a life-altering personal transformation is mentally and physically challenging. I'm in this strange state of being uncomfortable in my own skin, while simultaneously appreciating the kicks of this precious being as it makes space for itself. It's like I'm an egg just waiting to crack open and ooze out into the world.
My mood shifted when we went out on the lake with the boat today, basking in the warm sun. I allowed myself to fully immerse in the breathtaking beauty of the trees, sky, and water. My soul was replenished with a magical earth energy that reminded me of the wonderful blessings in my life. I became filled with excitement for everything that lies ahead. Building a family and a life with the man who always supports me and helps me out of my low moments fills me with joy and reminds me of the greatness of life.
Babies Bring Abundance.
In the past two years, my journey through 15 months of pregnancy has profoundly altered my inner world. This transformative experience has ignited within me a desire to capture and share my reality in a more profound and meaningful way. As much as I appreciate Instagram, I've realized that it has unfortunately depleted my energy and diminished the joy of sharing my images within my circle. Despite this realization, I find myself repeatedly drawn back to its allure.
Each photograph I post on Instagram is a labor of love, yet the moment it is published, my attention shifts externally, and I become dissatisfied with how others potentially perceive my "content." This unhealthy relationship has cheapened the art form that is so deeply ingrained within me. Hence, I have decided to enrich my life by embarking on this blog.
The imminent arrival of a new life has instilled in me a heightened sense of awareness regarding online sharing. It has led me to embrace a slower, more deliberate approach—a fusion of digital technology with the essence of analog.
I am hoping that this shift will allow me to capture the authenticity, chaos, and raw beauty of this profound transformation and next chapter.
Creatively, I yearn for a greater sense of freedom. I no longer wish to confine my thoughts to the constraints of Instagram or compromise the integrity of my vertical compositions. Instead, I am reclaiming my own space—a sanctuary where I can truly express myself.
