He’s gone for maybe 40 days, 6 weeks, or almost 2 months. I’m about halfway through, maybe. It’s been a couple of years since he left me for an extended period of time and surely the first since we had Mabel.
This morning my kitchen sink straight-up fell out of the counter hole it was glued to. The foundation of the house seems to be sinking and my lawn is 5 feet high and I can’t seem to get my mower going. I am ready for him to come back now…
The money is great and I was looking forward to being solo for a while as we spent 5 years of our relationship with shift work. There’s an effervescent freedom in living alone once in a while. Eating apples or cabbage for dinner and getting lost in the chaos of my creative process. Going for impromptu half-day walks because I’m on my own. Watching girly, bad, or teenage TV happily. Reading for hours before bed because no one is here to hang out.
Of course, this was going to be different with a baby.
Leading up I started to just want him to go, rip the bandaid off, start the new phase. The anticipation is tiring.
I planned for a few days of transition, imagining getting into a season of the Bachelor, ice cream pints. I expected to bury myself in blankets, glass of wine, blubbery tears. The transitions were always the hardest.
But I dropped him off and packed my bundle of joy with me to chapters and felt a new sense of motherhood. I really am an adult. I am the one who calls the shots. I have Mabel to take care of. Upon arriving home instead of slugging out I became a manic firefly stirring my creativity and mess swirls around the house. I’ve been working on a secret home project that Thomas won’t see until he returns. I bit off more than I can chew and my physical strength and nervous system has been pushed. I am nearly finished with this now thank THE LAWD. I spent weeks pondering and reworking one design element over and over and over and over in my head. Mentally tired, trying out different ideas. It was telling why design work is hard to charge for. So much goes on in the mind while you’re just living your life.
The week he left I started a one-month intensive Spanish course that focuses on grammar and sentence structures. Subjunctives, conjunctions, prepositions, and Gerunds. The different forms of the verb ‘to be’ that we do not consider in english. The different meanings of the word ‘que’. I made it 50% of the way through the course that I ditched my 263-day Duolingo streak to begin. The unique teaching style was incredible. I was astonished by how my whole mental framework for the Spanish language was enhanced. I felt so satisfied and intelligent going through these complex oddball lessons and I really started to realize the difference between English and Spanish. I could suddenly think thoughts more common and natural than ‘¿Donde esta el autobus?’. I had to take a break, the pressure I was putting on myself was overwhelming and I realized I was the only one forcing myself to be in a state of anxiety. Every day of the course I was one day behind. Each lesson took about 1 hour and I was newly solo parenting and traveling up and down the island. I was seriously so impressed with my ability to comprehend each lesson as it is often very hard for me to grasp school, but the pressure I put on myself to enhance the house, up-level my grasp on a second language, and start a garden all while being the best mother to my 6/7-month-old baby girl - hardcore to be honest. Now that I am wrapping up the interior project I plan to dive back into the Spanish BUT my real goal is to be less ambitious, tend to my garden and the cleanliness of my home. But of course also I have begun the Manifestation Challenge through To Be Magnetic and randomly been inspired to teach myself the guitar. I’d like to start a series of children’s books and I don’t go 4 minutes without considering the plans for the house I want to design. Why am I like this? My mind is not chill.
Anyway, I’ve once again committed to being off Instagram for a while (This whole blog is just me dealing with a social media addiction). Knowing that we are about halfway through this era I feel a sense of ‘crunch time’ and I want to give the Manifestation challenge my all and put more into my blog.
Live love laugh.
